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On Editing

So I've got 50000 words of text I need to proofread. I took December off because by the end of NaNoWriMo, I basically had the entire thing memorized and couldn't see typos because I knew what the sentence was supposed to say. Carmen happily helped out with a lot of the grammar stuff that I would've spotted during the proofreading, so I changed my save file stuff as she found them, but didn't bother changing the posts because I knew the big proofing was coming and am lazy and didn't want to keep changing posts a bazillion times.

Anyways, proofreading 90 pages. I catch things while reading, sure, but for editing, I really like having pencil in hand to scribble. (It's why sections of the story have a lot less changes. Because I actually *wrote* those, and then typed and editted at the same time. I don't really think/type/edit all at once. That would be crazy.) So now I get to break it back down into its four main sections, double-space them, and print them out. I think the proofing is going to take as long as the actual writing. (Well, maybe not, it only took me a week to do the prologue and section one.) I figured to save Dad from getting annoyed at me for printing out 100 or so pages all at once on the work computer, I'd do sections. Also it would keep me from staring at it in horror.

So, anyways, new version of the first parts now up. There's some more background flavor text (such as how it turns out to be the people of Caldonia don't actually speak the same language the girls do. It's not something I thought about until I hit some part of the second section and then there was no cause for mentioning those circumstances), but most of it is just minor tweaks.



( 39 thimbles — Take up a thimble )
Jan. 8th, 2011 02:17 am (UTC)

I sort of petered out there with the proofreading. If you'd like, let me know where you want me to start back up again.
Jan. 18th, 2011 01:03 am (UTC)
Proofreading and general notes for Prologue and Part 1
Because I'm too lazy to post in each individual section, I post here. Not all of these are typos - I'm including some questions about background and context that occurred to me on this latest read-through, and some quibbles about word choice you should feel free to quibble right back about.

I'll post my notes for the next parts as I get to them. Gaah, and I have to break this post up because it's too long. Bah.



They barely registered as present, but there were so many crowded in here now the air was beginning to feel heavy.
(The "here" reads a little strangely since all your POVs are 3rd-person rather than 1st.)

He watched her tuck something small and shiny into one of the belt's many pockets.
(Would a belt have pockets rather than pouches?)

"Just because they locked him up doesn't necessarily mean they were wrong to," the elf warned, but flounced away anyways.
("anyways" seems a little dialect-y for non-dialogue.)

The thoughtful gaze ... a liveliness to her gaze ... always had the same distrustful gaze ...
(The single paragraph fires three gaze attacks, roll Reflex.)

Her amulet was free of the darkness, glowing purple faintly.
(I keep wanting to invert your adjective order in places like this. Pay me no mind.)
Jan. 18th, 2011 05:10 pm (UTC)
Re: Proofreading and general notes for Prologue and Part 1
The here sounded odd to me when I wrote it, but I didn't care much at the time (there was a time limit, after all), and it didn't register as important in the various skim-overs I did. How about "They barely registered as present, but now there were so many crowded into the dusty storeroom that the air felt heavy."

The belt itself has small pockets built into it. Lockpicking tools go in there for easy access. Who wants to scrounge around in pouches for a hairpin, after all?

My POV varies between distant and actually inside the character's head depending on who's narrating at the time (some of the girls dwell more inside their thoughts than the others), but I can see the problem. Does this sound better: "the elf warned before flouncing away" ?

I repeat words a lot. (Wise was everywhere. Far more noticeably than gaze, apparently.) Keep the first, swap the second to "in her eyes" and the third to "distrustful look." Fixed.

Meh. The darkness can glow as purple as it likes. That's really your prblem there, the noun association. But darkness is in a prepositional phrase, so suck it up. =P (Also, things you see at first. He sees it's not covered in the darkness, then he sees the glowing and the fact the glowing doesn't cast any shadows. Hm, does that really read through in there, though? Let me go rearrange things. I will get back to you on that.)
Jan. 18th, 2011 01:03 am (UTC)
Proofreading and general notes for Prologue and Part 1 (cont'd)

Part 1

Her long-legged burrowing owl had been carefully transferred to Tae’s armored shoulders after his long talons had drawn blood one too many times.
(Mantha doesn't get named in the first paragraph about him, and it might be a little confusing for any reader who doesn't know him already when his name shows up down the page. Also, he doesn't appear in the prologue either, and is at risk of "sudden plot device syndrome". Now that I think of it, Teilomere doesn't meet Snow when the party gets introduced to the reader, either.)

“What could have happened?” Tae said as they approached the open entrance slowly. She had returned Mantha to Odette’s shoulder. Carmen had stitched one of her leather scraps into Odette’s gown for the owl to grip onto.
(This paragraph reads a little "clipped", if that makes sense.)

Before anybody could question her, she pointed to one of the windows on the ground floor. “It’s a house of pleasure. The girls don’t get out much. The only thing she could give us is a time line, and that’s really not necessary at this point.”
(How did she know? Was there a sign or sigil, or were the lower windows barred, as usual for keeping involuntary prostitutes prisoner?)

With Petra’s knowledge of magical formula
(Magical formulae?)

She quietly pointed them out to Petra, who had finished her evening meditations and was flicking through a heavy spellbook while waiting for Carmen’s watch to end and hers to begin.
(What is Petra using as a light source?)

The creatures had likely been moving all night, but woods-wise Carmen was the only one with the vision to see clearly in the darkness.
(Since you set Carmen up not long ago to have Darkvision as a magical side-effect instead, you don't need the "woods-wise" anymore by way of explanation.)

Odette shook her head, placing a shiny rock to place on top of Petra’s model.

“It’s Herrod, and he’s dead, you-” the dark-haired young man in pale blue robes broke off, staring at them.
(How did he die?)

There was a brief flash of color from the tube, signifying delivery had been properly made.
(Nothing to point out here, except that when I read this my brain went, "Quest Complete!")

“Four blocks west, two blocks north, right next to Errol’s Smithy,”
Another name I missed earlier, but Errol sounds pretty Saxon to me already. I like it.)

she gave him a quick ear scratch before dashing down the street to house near the Isador festival wall sculpture

“Must be why the trolls sleep in all those front chambers,” Carmen said from here she stood behind Petra, Athena at her side.

Odette stood in the center of the Sun's Exultation Chamber, holding herself from pacing along the great spiral design mosaic that she stood upon.
(So, how did Odette sneak past the piles of sleeping trolls herself?

Mosaic decorated walls collapsed as lightning shot its way through them like a spear through a fish.
(Could use a hyphen imo.)

“That must be the beast,” Athena shouted up to the woodswoman to where she stood on the city walls, above where the gates once stood.
(That extra "to" seems odd.)

“Smoke inhalation,” Petra informed here, appearing at her side.

“Thank you,” he told her fervently, then looking up at the rest of them.
(Like, I see how this one works after staring at it for a moment, but the tenses still just feel weird. Probably not important overall.)

But when the dome collapsed in our experiment, one of the columns landed him.
Jan. 18th, 2011 06:06 pm (UTC)
Re: Proofreading and general notes for Prologue and Part 1 (cont'd)
They're outside animals. Odette would never have Mantha anywhere near combat if she has a choice- not when he's basically a piece of her and she feels whatever he does. And Snow doesn't do buildings any more than Carmen and Athena do. He didn't go inside the temple either, and the only reason he was in the house was to insure that the trolls didn't see him. I suppose I could have him lounging outside doors more to make that more obvious.

Moved that stuff to the next paragraph with Odette. This sound better:
"Odette prodded her staff into one of the mangled doors, Mantha giving a squawk of indignation at the movement. Carmen had stitched one of her leather scraps into Odette’s gown for the owl to grip onto after Tae started complaining about the bruises left by him nipping her ear. The little creature had tired of being away from his mistress and had finally found a way to show his displeasure. Tae was just as relieved to see him go as Odette was to have him back."

Added in the house of pleasure's calling card. "The painting was outrageously unrealistic, but also unmistakable." (The lady is not being held prisoner. She just didn't leave- either because she's crippled or preferred to take her chances with the trolls rather than the fleeing citizenry, who knows. Unimportant.)

Starlight. The same way she can vaguely pick up the trolls moving out in the night. She's flicking through it, not reading, and she wrote the thing. It's mostly just to give her hands something to do. It's quieter than juggling.

His death is sort-of explained later with the sun-knights heading down to seal up the catacombs. He wouldn't tell complete strangers the man's dead while shouting at them they got the name wrong and why are they there.

Errol I didn't change on purpose. Ha-hah! (I just forgot to write his name down on my list.)

There was a geas on the tube for delivery. The priests paid a lot of money for this trip, they wanted to make certain it got delivered to the right person. I might mention it in the fourth part- they're back there after all, it might come up.

Odette can walk quietly and there are other entrances. Petra had further to go inside, so possibly scouted a route out for her. It is not really important.

The to can go, I suppose. It reads odder without it to me, but I decipher prepositional phrases pretty well. (That's probably from my 'close all parantheses' neurosis.) Putting Carmen's name in instead of the descriptor helps. *fixes*

I didn't like the way the sentence read, but I still haven't figured out a way to get rid of the gerund. He speaks *then* looks around. I had tried changing it to "as he looked up" but that wasn't what I wanted there. Actually, do you think "then looked around at..." would work? He doesn't really need to look up, they're all pretty short.

I got rid of so many words in that sentence I forgot to keep one of them in. Sigh.

Typos are still plentiful, sigh.
Jan. 19th, 2011 04:42 am (UTC)
Part 2
There couldn’t be all that many on Caldonia, they reasoned, since the original mountain range the first orcs had hurled themselves down onto the world from was half a world away.
(Maybe there's no better way to phrase it, but this sentence always takes me a bit longer than it should to chew through, and the double "worlds" sticks a bit. Dunno.)

Those they had spoken to about Crunch knew of the race only through the stories of minstrels and sailors.
(Maybe "Those people they had spoken to"? The flow of the paragraph makes it seem as if "those" is the mountains.)

he is too dear to my heart for me to distance myself enough from him to view him in my visions,
(The middle one perhaps should go, it's a little cumbersome like this, imo.)

Or it's a metaphorical death and Tae decides she'd rather be a priestess of Elisar Ibryiil rather than the Protector-”
(Sorry. I keep spotting doubled-up words that I feel I should at least point out.)

“Some of us also would not be welcomed as worshipers by the Court,” Odette pointed out. The pantheon of the Court was for those of fey heritage and neither Carmen nor Odette would be wholly welcomed as worshipers, even if they were sincere in the request.
(And phrases!)

As far as Athena could tell, the only reason the villagers hadn't given up and moved to better climes was the lake to its west.
(Overall, you can tell that "its" is meant to stand in for "the village's", but the flow of the sentence makes it look like it's meant for "the villagers", and should thus be "their" instead. I'm not really offering a solution. Just pointing out where I have to work at your sentence structures.)

Most of the fighting is in the south, though some along the eastern border.
(This one still bugs me. Like it ought to be "with some", or "though some is". The sentence just feels incomplete and I'm pretty sure I'm not insane about this one.)

And the commander thought it could be feint so the Telubrins could cross and start conquering Berunga.

Either it was, and all the Telubrin soldiers are busy fighting past the Berungan border, or it wasn’t, and all the Telubrin soldiers are busy fighting inside the Berungan border.
(This may be a lexical failure of mine. Past and inside the border both mean the same thing to me. Though, "inside the Telubran border" would be clear.)

“I doubt there will be any dancing involved,” Odette said dryly as they watched Athena started to walk the perimeter of the field again, wand in hand.

“Only if he would stop recounting each individual contestant and mentioned who these heretics were the followers of.”
("would ... mentioned" doesn't agree. It would be okay if it were "Only if he stopped recounting... and mentioned", or "Only if he would stop recounting... and instead mention". Something like that.)

Petra reached over to look at the sole sheet Tae had removed from the papers she had been give.

The flow of energy from them trickled to a halt as the last of the crowded barley stalks curled up into seeds.
(I thought that energy was flowing into the girls here, not out from them?)

They had somehow chanced upon the power the earth retained for when goodly kings had the throne and treated his people and lands well.

Petra opened her mouth to ask a question. Not wanting to start a debate with the ever-curious elf, Carmen explained, “Belike dryads.”
(What was her question going to be?)

The rushing flow of earth magic in Hollis’ had finally trickled away, the geyser disappearing from the farmers’ vision long before the women’s.

Farmer Hollis stood there, his four year old in his arms.
(Do ages need hypens? I never can remember.)

You must still judge those who do it see it

Edited at 2011-01-19 04:45 am (UTC)
Jan. 19th, 2011 04:49 pm (UTC)
Re: Part 2
So many repetitions to give the boot to.

Trimming the sentence help any? "There couldn’t be all that many on Caldonia, they reasoned, since the mountain range the first orcs had hurled themselves down from was half a world away."

Lake to their west or lake to the west? Their sounds better I think. Actually, that section can just get the boot. The lake has already been placed earlier in the sentence. It's just repetition. Sigh.

It's two sentences squished together with one subject given the boot and it doesn't work because the other subject is a prepositional phrase. *sticks a 'there is' in the second half*

I knew what the sentence meant to say and completely ignored the fact it went in a bajillion directions. How about this:
"Either it was, and the Telubrin soldiers are busy fighting in Berungan territory, or it was not, and the soldiers are busy fighting each other in Telubrin territory."

Yeah, the would screwed that sentence up a bit, didn't it?

The energy flowing from the barley in the second half of the sentence. Or possibly from the fields in the prior sentence. I write weird sentence structure. From them is unnecessary, really.

Petra wondered what sort of spirits Carmen and Athena could be mistaken for. They're obviously mortals.

I never know with age hyphens. It's dependent on what your speaking of. I am twenty-six years old. I am a twenty-six-year-old. That many hyphens looks weird though. I'm not certain if I took the hyphens out or just forgot them.
Re: Part 2 - carmenwoods - Jan. 19th, 2011 05:11 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jan. 20th, 2011 02:25 am (UTC)
Part 3, and Tiny Story
I hope I'm actually helping more than annoying. I'm looking forward to reading more!!

Wow, damn. This post is a thousand characters too long, and I have to split it up.


“I was not the one who looked into the matters at Redbrook and accepted the investigator’s report that intruders had sacrificed the brothers in a dark ritual.
(Needs a comma after "Redbrook" to separate the clauses.)

There have been reports of evil magic leaking from there and I have been asked to go and fix the problem.
(It just occurred to me - Vister was sent *alone* for something as important as this? Makes me wonder if some head priest expected her to fail and the prisoner be released. Either that or she's actually a total badass. I kinda hope she gets rezzed.)

I have obtained an orb of teleportation that will allow for two trips, but the seller did not inform me of the fact that its use is inaccessible to divine energies.”
(Oh, yeah. This is why I thought that she'd purchased the orb instead of got sent a-questing with it.)

Vister's armored foot came down square in the center of chest before he could move to get up.

A sun-knight of Jadus should know better than to treat a sorceress of your caliber like that,
(As opposed to knowing better than to treat *women* like that. O, Vister! sad upholder of the patriarchal structures you yourself have struggled against!)

“Your gifts would be better served if ...
I still think we'd be better served skipping this job and heading out for Mirenz instead.”
(I like the phrase, but it happens twice in quick succession.)

“That be true for the rest of us,” Carmen murmured as the rest of them joined Odette in the circle.

Six columns stood at the front of the temple, more lining down the sides.

Tae recalled seeing an ancient temple of Khory built similarly.
(I swear that Khory is ringing a faint bell. Was it a deliberate reference to something, or am I just imagining things? I dig the name, regardless.)

She clenched her hand around the holy symbol around her neck and frowned, willing herself to see the underneath.

I doubt the original jailers left it here,
(You know what obsolete spelling ought to make a comeback just because I happen to like it? Gaol. *nod*)

Both woodswomen left the temple and Tae listened to their footsteps disappear down the stairs to the edge of the grounds.
(This is just me being pedantic (or 'podantic'? ahaha, I crack me up.) so feel free to ignore me, but footsteps can't really *disappear*. They aren't visible!)

Though there were no actual mountains visible above the valley’s walls, so she could only assume their destination was the mountains of northern Telubra.
(Since this paragraph occurs quite a bit after the party has been there, I would grumble less if it were a noun like "location", rather than "destination", which implies 'movement towards' in my mind. But again, this may just be a lexical failure of mine.)
Jan. 20th, 2011 04:38 pm (UTC)
Re: Part 3, and Tiny Story
All feedback is helpful. Except for giant red x's labeled 'this is crap, you suck.'

Vister was just this badass. Crusaders are hardcore, man. Consider the fact she'd been given orders to press-gang a powerful sorceress. You do not send the level 4 weenies out for that. (Things were going by too quickly for Tae to see this, but Petra killed the guys and it was them collapsing that knocked Vister down- Odette and then the ceiling collpsing took Vister out. There will likely be more of this in section 4.)

Dunno why I said seller there. I knew she'd been given it by her bosses. *rearranges sentence*

Vister is a victim of the patriarchal society she was raised within, it's true. (Vister, I think, is gender-neutral. She is this devoted to doing her god's work. So she likely sees nothing wrong with putting down weak-willed women. Because she would do that to men too. And would not see the gender problems. Even though she's had to be ten times better than her compatriots to get half the praise.)

You will remember where Khory is from. And you will beat yourself in the head for it. And then me for using her name.

The underneath is what I wanted there. (I suppose I could change it, but I like Kakashi's "see underneath the underneath.")

I'm only changing it because it's Vister speaking. The girls wouldn't use gaolers there. (Actually, Athena and Carmen might.)

Does fade work better?

Using destination, the sentence probably should have said "that their destination had been" but I hate verbs and verb modifiers, so I'm changing it to location.
Re: Part 3, and Tiny Story - carmenwoods - Jan. 20th, 2011 06:01 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Part 3, and Tiny Story - elfhawk - Jan. 20th, 2011 06:52 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Part 3, and Tiny Story - carmenwoods - Jan. 20th, 2011 07:39 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Part 3, and Tiny Story - carmenwoods - Jan. 21st, 2011 03:02 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: Part 3, and Tiny Story - elfhawk - Jan. 21st, 2011 03:41 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: Part 3, and Tiny Story - carmenwoods - Jan. 21st, 2011 04:32 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: Part 3, and Tiny Story - elfhawk - Jan. 21st, 2011 04:45 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: Part 3, and Tiny Story - carmenwoods - Jan. 21st, 2011 05:08 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: Part 3, and Tiny Story - elfhawk - Jan. 21st, 2011 03:38 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Part 3, and Tiny Story - carmenwoods - Jan. 21st, 2011 05:13 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: Part 3, and Tiny Story - elfhawk - Jan. 21st, 2011 03:40 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Part 3, and Tiny Story - carmenwoods - Jan. 22nd, 2011 01:58 am (UTC) - Expand
Jan. 20th, 2011 02:27 am (UTC)
Part 3, and Tiny Story (cont'd)
The smell of death made them easier to find, but Carmen had merely marked the spot to start digging them up once the survivors were found.
(Does Carmen have a sort of rudimentary communication with Snow? Otherwise how would she have known where the sun-knights were buried without a sense of smell herself? Unless there was a limb or blood sticking out or something.)

There was something she needed to see before going to the other half-elf's side. ...
“This has not been a good day,” Petra said from where she sat, eyes on the unconscious half-elf. “Not for any of us.”
(I know it's hard to avoid replications of descriptor terms, and this is probably very minor overall. I just can't help thinking that something like "to her cousin's side", or "the unconscious woman" might reduce the doubling up of "half-elf" here.)

“I think the knights finished their work before the roof collapsed on them. It isn't giving off the same creepy feeling that it was when we arrived.”
(How do we know that the prisoner hasn't escaped, instead? Eeeeek.)

“This is not a fun climb,” Petra said, tossing the tiles back into the rubble. They were the purple ones Tae had seen earlier, with the swirly spirals.
(And eek again, I do not like seeing possessed Petra playing with those symbols. D: D: D: )

His rail remained curled under him, his ears drooping with lethargic disinterest.

Her back was killing her, but her synapses were still fried by the divine invocation she had performed and she couldn't perform a healing spell to fix it.

“Even with all my concentration focused on the incantation, I could feel the moment the sun-knights fixed the wards. They were almost completely unraveled when we arrived-”
(Oh. I guess this would be how we know the prisoner hasn't escaped. Whew.)

There is no telling what would happen if we do not let someone know the transformation the priesthood has undergone.”
(I think this needs an "about" or an "of". "know about the transformation". Or rearrange it some other how.)

“For some reasons, the wards here weakened to such a great extent that the prisoner was slowly leaking evil energies out.
(Perhaps "reason" singular?)

(And from the Tiny Story:)
She was too found of them to let them get into the state her trousers were now in.
Jan. 20th, 2011 04:47 pm (UTC)
Re: Part 3, and Tiny Story (cont'd)
Carmen and Snow do body language well. Snow is passing along the message that it smells like death. Or possibly that the scents are not of friends.

Changed the first to cousin. It would be weird in the sentence with Petra.

It is a mystery! But there are just the usual 'evil was here' creepy vibes and not 'evil sees you and hates you and will destroy you all' creepy vibes. Because the wards have been fixed. But there is no telling what has snuck out!

Changed second to cast. Divine invocations are far too involved to just say cast.

I think I like 'of' more than 'about'.
Jan. 21st, 2011 03:28 am (UTC)
second read-through
It's shocking just how much I notice every new time I read over it. I think part of it might be that I keep forgetting to take it slow and watchful - I keep getting all excited about the story and reading faster so I miss things.

Anyway, I haven't gotten all the way through part 1 yet this go-round. Sleepy. A little less than a third of the way.


The catacombs underneath the main temple of Jadus in Khorevail were cool, damp, and lifeless. Once a week, one luckless squire was sent to inventory its dark vaults.
(Dark vaults of the catacombs, or dark vaults of the temple? In the first case, should be "their".)

Don’t want nothing to look out of place, and they walk by everything regularly.
(I'm probably beginning to get carried away. But with the accents you've given these two, "regularly" just seems too well conjugated. My brain wants to make it "regular" or "regular-like". I'll stop that now.)

It was a dark room, the dim light coming in from the gap between the door and floor only highlighting the deep shadows in the tiny room.

The walls in the closet had closed in around him days ago
("walls of"?)

He had gotten lazy in his research, assuming the truth in the story of the duel of the two sorcerers. ... Both parties involved were assumed to have died in the duel. He had assumed Elias' identity,
(Man. Totally missed this triple set before.)

And while there are wyrms who also allow cults to build around them, they’re also far too strong for driving out.
(I think the first "also" is the less necessary one.)

Tae opened her eye and let her arm drop back to her side.

“It is very peaceful. The Telubrin roads are anything but safe.
(This one is a bit confusing since everyone's in Sundabar and hasn't experienced Telubrin roads at all yet, and it seems like she's praising the isolating travel method for keeping them safe where they are.)

Petra led the way up the steps, bouncing nimbly between gaps in the steps, and then hopping back down to give sly pointers to her slower, clumsier companions.

Carmen moved to poke around the collapsed entrance way. Petra disappeared into the maze of collapsed pillars.

Those snobs in Khorevail only send proper couriers.
(Man. Poor guy really *is* stressed by all this if he would badmouth his brothers in robes like that.)

Odette had had Athena shape some of the boards from the cooperage into yokes for hauling more containers than just the two or three the women could have carried with their hands. “Shouldn’t you be getting more containers?

“Do stay out trouble,” Tae said as the redhead headed for the door. “It will be difficult for me to fish you out of trouble without waking every troll in there.”
(Double trouble, and the first one is missing its "of".)

The troll started to shamble away from them, its arms outreached as it searched for where its head had landed.
(Perhaps "outstretched"? I hear "outreach" and I think along the lines of "community outreach".)

Jan. 21st, 2011 04:09 am (UTC)
Re: second read-through
I've always seen catacombs as one of those 'always plural' words, like pants. How about I swap 'its' out with 'the' and just ignore ownership of the vaults?

Regular-like. I like it.

But the third assumed is a totally different use of the word! Argh. Changing the second one. The first is too 'ass-u-me' for me to want to take it out, and the third is precisely the word I want there.

He's gotten claustrophobic. The walls are in there with him. Put on someone else's glasses and look at the walls. Are they the walls of the room or walls in the room? I know the way they cave in on me, they're in the room with me because I know the room is really bigger than what it feels like.

Tae is apparently a pirate.

Everyone everywhere complains about Telubra. It takes up a majority of the continent and the few travelers still using it instead of the southern roads surface at their destinations short guardsmen because the Telubrin commanders aren't keeping a good grip on their soldiers. The girls mention later they were turned back away from the Telubrin border because it's unsafe. So basically, it's like me complaining to you about boating around Somalia because they've got pirates and are murderers. You don't need to have been there to know the worst of what's going on.

Doubled collapsed isn't a problem there. Repetition does have its purposes.

Edric's a nice boy, but the Khorevail people are mostly a bunch of politicos. Consider him being a Catholic from Rome and given assignment in Prague. Sure, it's a nice place to visit, but Rome's where you need to be to get noticed. He's far too bookish for them to want to promote to any rank of authority, so he got assigned someplace more in keeping with his skills.
He also dislikes being away from his sister.
Also, I may have him running around being peregrine now. He was fun and the girls left an impression. (Helios Osgar will be needing help, considering the influx he's going to be getting soon...)

Changed to Athena asking "shouldn't you be busy" and Tae telling Petra to be careful. Sigh.

Troll outreach program. Bwahaha. (Now I see troll panhandlers chilling out on a corner with "Homeless, will work for food" signs.)
Jan. 22nd, 2011 02:24 am (UTC)
second read-through (cont'd)
She had moved the seating pews out of the way of the door that led to the great stairwell leading downwards into the depths of the temple catacombs in hopes that when the trolls started fleeing back to the tunnels, they would move as quickly through this room as possible and not notice the single human standing in the center of all the light.
(This wasn't something that Petra had already thought of ahead of time? She was pretty much all over that.)

One veered off and headed in her direction, his eyes narrowed, ... It looked a great deal like a thorn bush given humanoid form. ... an eight-foot troll bulldozing its way through pews towards her. ... hardening the air in front of him ... The troll at her barrier quickly gave up as fire danced towards it from pew to pew.
(Pronoun choice for the troll fluctuates quite a bit here.)

It was uncomfortable, and no one had known how long it would take before they received evidence that their work had gone well. She’d rather the time spent getting in and out of it than an unknown amount of time spent stretching constantly to keep from getting pinched in uncomfortable places.
(Every time I read this, I have to re-realize that Odette had to have been hanging around in the Exultation Chamber for quite a bit, waiting. The passage of time there isn't very evident.)

“We were already going to be careful entering Telubra. There aren't many precautions we can take.
(Many more precautions?)

Them Barens covered it, more like as not. But we could use da help wi’ da crops. Seems lahk da soil jes' dies unner 'em.
(I finally realized why I was hesitant about "lahk". He uses "like" perfectly well just before it. "Lahk" also takes a fair second to parse, maybe it's overkill? Even dialects gots rules to 'em.)

“Galfrid sent us,” Carmen hollered back.
(Hahaha, I love how even though Odette's the usual spokeswoman of the party, she's perfectly happy letting someone else do something as undignified as shout a conversation.)

“Galfrid's kin have agreed to look after the fields for Willard's lands-
“My daughters will work my fields while the boys and I do Willard's.
(Looks like you doubled up on who'd be doing Will's fields. Galfrid and Lucas are doing Lucas' land, Giles is taking care of his own, but both Galfrid's family and Yates and his boys are assigned Willards' fields. Am I misunderstanding? I drew out little diagrams twice to make certain I wasn't imagining things.)

“Indeed. Your wives would be outraged and we would be run out of the village before we finished.”
(This isn't your fault at all, but the very first time I read this line I thought to myself, "Hunh, Yates has multiple wives. Yay for bucking culture norms!" Took me like three more read-throughs before I caught on that she means all the villagers' wives - plural "you". It's an awesome line as-is, don't change it, I was just operating from a weird frame of reference and thought you might get a chuckle. :x)

Tae, see if you can haul Athena up while Odette pretends to help me with Carmen.” As she spoke, she circled back around Carmen and leaned down to grab Carmen’s hands. “Odette, stop staring at it and give Carmen a push when I lift her.”
(Not that I don't love seeing the name, but maybe the third one at least should be pronounified?)

He wasn't acting as if there was anything by idle curiosity behind the question.
(I said what what, in the "but".)
Jan. 23rd, 2011 03:45 am (UTC)
Re: second read-through (cont'd)
Petra couldn't actually move furniture. That would be noisy and draw attention to that room. Odette could cast all the silencing spells she liked on the furniture.

You're just as confused as I am about troll genders. No wait, I don't care. And won't finding all the it/he interchanges I did with trolls be fun. Argle barg.

Actually, it wasn't a huge amount of time. Carmen's just bitching because since no one could tell her if they'd be waiting twenty minutes or five hours for Odette, she took off all that gear. (Don't you remember wearing baby climbing gear? I know the kids were in a rush to get out of it as soon as possible.)

Lahk given the boot. (You are not really Southern if you didn't understand it.)

Actually, if you read through that scene again, Odette doesn't do all the talking. Because Carmen and Athena are the ones who will be doing the work and because they speak the language better. But yeah, Carmen is in charge of all shouting.

The name-changing messed that up I think. (Because I totally had a diagram for the work too.) Should be Giles' et al teaching young Lucas how to farm properly with merchant Galfrid et al tending Giles' fields because they know the basics and don't have Lucas' bad habits, and Yates and sons taking care of Willard's because he is a moron. Yates' lady folks will take care of his fields. (He has a lot of girls, btw. Farmers spawn lots of kids to keep care of the fields and because its hard living and most won't make it to adulthood.)

When I wrote that line, I giggled to myself over that perception of the word. I am glad it confuzzled someone else as well. (Who knows, maybe they do?)

Carmen's name kept popping up because my pronouns made the scene look weird, directions-wise. How's this:
"Tae, see if you can haul Athena up while Odette pretends to help me with this lazybones.”  As she spoke, she circled back around Carmen and leaned down to grab her hands. “Odette, stop staring at it and give Carmen a push when I lift her.”

Do I even want to google what you're talking about there?
Re: second read-through (cont'd) - carmenwoods - Jan. 23rd, 2011 10:53 am (UTC) - Expand
Jan. 24th, 2011 02:46 am (UTC)
second read-through (last part)
Not much to point out here, I think these were the first ones I proofread, going backwards, so they've already had one more pass than the first bits did anyway. Looks real good overall imo!


It was embroidered with a large gold starburst in the center.
(The holy symbols later are sunbursts - is this just a different rank symbol, or is it meant to be a sunburst too?)

“This is why I must send word back to Khorevail that something is wrong with one of the investigators.”
(So did Yseult manage to get that letter sent before leaving Mirrimar? Raving audiences want to know!)

The words seemed to put a fire back into the tall woman's eyes. “Setting a temple to rights is precisely why I came here.
(So Khorevail being basically like Rome is why they would send whoever they wanted instead of having someone from within Telubra take care of it then, is that right? Can clergy of Jadus from anywhere travel through the civil war zones relatively unbothered by soldiers? Just something I was wondering about.)

“I take it he will be constantly shaking out his own boots, trying to get out a rock that is not there,”
(It would be fun if we could see him fidget uncomfortably just a bit before the teleporting. >:D )

And yet Tae could feel the pulse of evil, madness, and hatred pouring out of every centimeter of the building.
(I was gonna be a nerd and glee about ElfLand using metric, but then I recalled Odette 'hardening the air in front of [the troll] in a spread fifteen feet long.' Ah well. Maybe they're in the process of switching over. :3)

But the division of her energies left her dizzy, and she had to fight to continue her benediction.
(Pass that Concentration check, Tae !!)

There were no exits that Carmen could spot-
(Try rerolling!)

Odette staggered off like a newborn colt trying its legs out for the first time.
(This is the only comment of any substance that I have to make for part three: Maybe like a newborn foal instead? - a colt would be a male baby horse.)
Jan. 24th, 2011 03:25 pm (UTC)
Re: second read-through (last part)
I like starbursts. I was possibly hungry when I wrote that line.

Yseult had the time to send the letter. A better answer is when will it arrive?

You have to remember Vister's a knight, not a priest. And not only that, a crusader. Bothering her would be suicide for anything smaller than a platoon of soldiers. Jadus is the patron of 90% of Telubra and Sundabar, so his priests- if they are wearing his colors- are left alone for the most part. Anybody caught impersonating one to escape the civil war is hung for desertion of course.

Good idea on the fidgeting. Lemme see if I can work that in somewhere.

Actually, the centimeters is the odd one out. (I wanted a small measurement. This is how evil things are!) Though using meters is a good idea. (Goes and does corrections.)

I had forgotten colt was masculine. Whoops. Athena should've known better, jeez.
Re: second read-through (last part) - carmenwoods - Jan. 24th, 2011 06:10 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: second read-through (last part) - carmenwoods - Jan. 24th, 2011 06:22 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: second read-through (last part) - elfhawk - Jan. 24th, 2011 06:42 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: second read-through (last part) - carmenwoods - Jan. 24th, 2011 06:46 pm (UTC) - Expand
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